Saturday, September 27, 2014

You're on your own lovely - but I do still love you!

A shared dream, it seems doesn't always turn out to be a shared dream!

For years we had talked about "when we move temporarily over to Bali", we had shared ideas, locations, adventures, so you may imagine THE talk; the sitting down and in slightly hushed tones the announcement of my husband: "I have been thinking about this and I realise this is important to you and therefore you really must do it, but amidst lots of soul searching I have come to the realisation that I love you, but it is not MY dream".

"Pardon me?", I wasn't quite sure that I had understood this correctly or perhaps it was just an error in my mind, that this lovely man sitting in front of me was making an incorrect statement. Surely he didn't really mean what I thought I had just heard, this was OUR dream right? We always traveled together, we always made decision together and we always shared each others dreams and ideas. Hadn't he been right there alongside me planning this adventure for years, sharing in my delight and joys?

Well not quite!

After the initial realisation sunk in that this was exactly what he was saying, came a few days of really intense and deep soul searching.

I was angry at first, thinking he had agreed to this and was now backing out, he explained that he had casually thought it was another option we were chatting about and not necessarily something that would eventuate. He said once it became real, he had thought about going along with it, but something in his heart pulled him away and after much time, he realised he would be a fish out of water, in a strange land that whilst I fitted like a glove, simply wasn't his home away from home. He shared stories with me of the times that the Balinese cheerily announced "Hello Lesley" and then "Hello Mr Lesley". He shared how my heart belonged there and it seemed even the locals knew this and whilst he loved visiting and holidaying there he would always be "Mr Lesley". As a tourist, this was great, but he felt he couldn't achieve what he needed to do at this point in his life in Bali.

What did this mean to me? What did this mean to our children? What did this mean to our family dynamics?

Initially I must admit I went rather flat and decided "OK, well I guess that dream and adventure is just not to be, I despondently gave up on my ideas and resolved to staying put in Australia and following on with his dreams, the children's dreams and the life that was shared by many to stay put.

To be fair, hubby did constantly support me and say I should do what was right for me and that he would be here to share in that and do anything he could to assist, but like a helium balloon that has long given up it's flight and lays flat in a far off field, I couldn't be enthusiastic or excited about any of the prospects. I didn't think I could do it alone, I also didn't relish the thought of not travelling to a place that just "felt right".

The days ran into weeks and the feeling of something not being right just wouldn't budge, our relationship began to deteriorate until finally I realised that I needed to uncover this more, peel off the layers and really find out where I sat with this information. I began a deep meditation and felt myself unfolding into the future. It was a far off future where dreams had been put on hold, feeling had been shunned and backs had been turned on adventures. Allowing the image to unfold around me, I allowed my guard to drop and the realisation of this new reality to unfold, I was surprisingly OK with it all, but there it was, that nagging feeling again. Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself and felt into it, what was the deepest underlying emotion that this new state of being brought up for me, what was the name I could give it?

A deep far off resonance sounded closer and closer and finally reverberated with: "What if?"

What if? I pondered, what does "what if" mean to me? It was a strange feeling, a mixture of resignation, a feeling of lack of importance, a feeling of not being true to yourself, but most importantly, it left a hole in my energies. It was as if a question had been asked that could never be answered.
A light began to glow in the distance, a realisation that I simply can't live with "What If's" if there is absolutely no reason why it should not be explored. I realised that if I chose this path, I would always wonder if I had turned my back on an opportunity that was being presented to me. I would always have to live with "What If". Could I do it?

As a home educating parent, our task is always to open doors to opportunities, to allow many pathways to open and to encourage a love for learning that hopefully turns into a life long realised. Yet here I was, an opportunity arising, a doorway wide open, a path curling into the distance and I am thinking of stepping backwards and closing the door. A voice in my head said "you know you can't live with "What If's", therefore you know it's just a matter of time before you do it anyway, so why fight it, give over, release, embrace the changes, see what happens.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I opened my eyes and was surprised to find the entire room was filled with brightly glowing sunshine, a rainbow had appeared over the hills and it felt like I was receiving a warm hug, I knew in that moment I had made my choice, right,wrong or otherwise, this was the path I needed to take.

I called my daughter in and shared my experience, her entire face broke out in a smile and she knowingly replied "I knew you'd figure that out eventually, I just wondered how long it would take".

That evening, a warm fire lit, some snacks on the rug, hubby and I once again revisited THE talk, this time with a different outlook, his face broke into a smile as he fondly said "I knew you'd make that choice eventually but you had me worried I would throw you off the path you need to walk". "You have to understand that I also feel this is the right choice for you and Emma, there's something there you are both guided to do, I don't know what it is yet, maybe its assisting others, maybe it's a meeting with someone or maybe it's just giving you a much needed chance to write. But whatever it is, I know in my heart you are meant to do it".
"I will do everything I can here, I will walk my own path and I will miss you, but its an adventure you need to take and I am so delighted to be able to closely (from afar) share it with you".

We both took a deep breath, smiled deeply, shrugged and awakened knowing that side by side together or across the world, we are in this together and it's going to be a new adventure no matter what.