A bit of a bidet

The day was warm and sunny, the children swimming, buffet breakfast delightfully completed and I retired to the room to collect a book.

Nature called and a quick visit to the rooms rest room. I don’t know what it is in Asian countries about their toilets, perhaps it’s because the locals are used to squatting to relieve themselves and therefore once western toilets are introduced, the practice still continues albeit a little higher up.

I’ve seen many toilets with signs requesting that the guests do not stand on the toilet seats, whether this loosens the hinges or if it is just faulty plumbing I am not sure.

However, after many attempts I consider myself generally prepared for the inevitable ‘slide’ that often happens once you reach around for the paper, which mysteriously is generally placed so far behind you that you wonder whether most guests here belong to cirque du soleil just to reach the toilet paper.

I’ve become wiser now, I get the paper before I sit down, or so I thought in this case, however just the slight raising of one leg to use the afore mentioned paper and ‘boom’ off the toilet slides to one side, crashing back down.

Now, the drop is only a few centimeters, however the shock that generally accompanies it causes you to tighten up so fast that the muscles in your neck and back contract at lightning speed, so there I sit with a tiny wash of adrenalin coursing down my body, thinking to myself “did I just put my neck out”

I wonder how I am going to explain this injury to people if I can’t move my neck.
“Hmmm, holiday in Bali”, people will ask, “how did you injure yourself?, motorbike riding, surfing in wild swells, dancing ‘til the sun came up?”

Imagine the shame of “actually, I slipped on the toilet seat!”

I gently swivel my head about, phew, no damage done it seems.

Oh, sure, it LOOKS innocent & just a tiny little button

Redressing, I begin to close the lid of the toilet and notice a seemingly innocent sign on the toilet saying it may be used as a bidet. Hmmm, interesting ….. it promises a gentle washing moment and explains that the small wash of water will gently glide back by itself.

“How bad can it be?” I am lulled into thinking, however I have learnt a lesson already with this toilet so I think I’ll give it a little try out on it’s own before I leap in and allow it anywhere near my naked nether regions.

A small silver button lies innocently on the side of the toilet, OK, I give it a push and look in.

Instructions sound simple!

A small water spout gently rises (rather phallically) from the toilet gushing a gentle stream of water, innocently it begins to rise up and rotate gently, but now the water becomes a bit stronger. Rising in height and strength the water whooshes out now rising all the time, it erupts out of the toilet all over my knee (I am standing in front of the toilet watching it), quick as lightning straight up the inside of my leg and before I can move soaks all the front of my knickers, continuing up the front of my dress. At this point all I can think of is that this water is coming out of the toilet – ewwww!

I leap to one side (in hind sight – the wrong side as I now can’t reach the button to turn it off)
The water continues to rise and grow in intensity, I am gasping down at it, thinking of what a mischief it could now be doing if I was actually sitting on it. I try to reach around to turn it off and the water sprays all over my face, YUUUUUK!

I leap back and the water continues, now there is a stream erupting out of the toilet, across the floor, out the toilet door, across the hallway and up the mirrored wardrobe on the other side of the hall. Oh, my, I have no idea what to do, I stare at it as the water begins to flow out the hallway, under the outside door and fill the corridor outside, there’s a splashing sound as if I am caught in a thunderstorm.

Leaping over the toilet, the water sprays all over my screwed up face and plasters my hair all over my head, my beautiful silk lined dress is clinging soaked to my body and I reach the silver tap, turning it as hard as I can, the water is trying to make it’s way through my teeth and up my nose

Oh, this is soooo not fun@!#%

With a twist the water slows and gently the small innocent phallic looking tube lowers and retracts back into the toilet. Oh, sure, now it looks all innocent again.

Toilet designed by Bast**ds incorporated.

I stare down and notice for the first time that the bathroom floor is already covered by towels even though the room has already been made up, I wonder why, yet set to mopping down the floors, mirrors, shower, toilet, cupboards and hallway.

Rinsing off my clothes, hair and face, it somehow still feels very nasty. I try to convince myself the water came out of the tube, not out of the toilet.

Room cleaned, I feel defeated – and by a toilet, I slink back to the pool area and say to Daryll, “there’s a bit of a mess in the bathroom”

He looks up and says “Oh, yes, I am so sorry, I did that, you know there’s this funny innocent looking silver button on the side of the toilet………..”